Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Baller is short for ballerina
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I beg your pardon?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”