Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
79.