[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.