[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Well, this explains it:
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.