me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”