Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.