*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
wish me luck lads
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.