He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.