I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Natural selection at its finest
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.