@Donna_McCoy: *tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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@DaddyJew: 7: I wanna watch a movie Me: its late, sleep 7: I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE M: fine *puts in Texas Chainsaw Massacre* goodnight you little shit
@JohnLyonTweets: I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis' house.
@eliyudin: I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway
@WowYoureFunny: If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?