@Donna_McCoy: *tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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@meganamram: I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant "I'm not married but I don't want men to talk to me"
@TheMichaelRock: [at restaurant]] 8yo: why does mom eat half of your food? Me: because.. Wife *evil glare* Me *terrified* because I don't want it.
@underrateDad: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 4,917 times and you're probably my kids.
@13spencer: One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.