*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Storm Tropical Storm
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot