if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
You Might Also Like
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.