@KevinFarzad: *tries to quietly eat carrot sticks during your funeral*
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@KenJennings: If you're American & I ever hear you use the word "whilst," this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.
@Reverend_Scott: [Applebees on Christmas] God: Enjoy your meal? Jesus: Ya, I- [a crowd of servers surrounds them] Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
@spazrunsny: Telling a woman she's being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
@papasuncle: Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi's best movie was Sister Act.