*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
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WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….