*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Holy shit he’s back
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids