*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.