[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
#Caturday
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.