*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
You Might Also Like
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man