*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.