It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The old gods are rising again.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
The point of your 20s
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Ridiculous. He should be in jail