triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.