My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*