@nerdreign: Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.

@KKAlThani: If "Bieber fever" is when a Bieber song comes on the radio & you start throwing up & stabbing yourself, then yes I had Bieber fever once.

@Tups13: I stare at the cats. "And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away." They look at me in horror.

@BillArrundale: Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

@DomesticGoddss: If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?