Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
You Might Also Like
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*