Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.