Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
#SCOTUS one-star review
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.