True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
So the ex texted me
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
A classic…
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury