ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
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the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
man i love columbo
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.