trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Sponch
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”