Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My favorite farside!!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I am patiently waiting for your email
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.