Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint