Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
You Might Also Like
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
scrabbled eggs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Trumpy Cat
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room