TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores