Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
So inspired right now.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The only equipped I am is ill.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch