TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Ah..makes sense now
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.