Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
classic mixup
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.