TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird