“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.