@LostCatDog: Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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@dlicj: flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me
@KentWGraham: My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
@Stellacopter: One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
@robdelaney: Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.