Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.