TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Ken is short for chicken
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
tis the season
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof