TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!