Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.