Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
cause of death:
autopsy.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.