I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway