Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
October already? What’s next? November????
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.