Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
You Might Also Like
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Yup
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”