Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Jupiter
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.