My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.