Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.