[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
New menu item
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?