TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
my fav colour is also hitler
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me