Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.