“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
why I oughta
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch